Dating aka back to square one…..

Ayyyy…so it’s been over a year since I last dated….I recently started to get back out there and I am talking to a couple of guys….. wish me luck! 

Online dating

So…for a very brief moment I had a profile on a couple of dating sites…..they have officially been deleted and this is why……

I have been texting back and forth with this guy, who I thought was nice…..but the last conversation we last had went all wrong and basically turned me off to him and to dating in general…..

Saturday Night

So he asks me when was the last time I slept with someone and I tell him…around September/October (around the time I had my 1st flare before my break-up with the Ex)……

Guy: Been a while for both of us. Maybe we can change that.

       If you want to.

       But I kinda leaving that up to you, it was just an idea.

Me: OK…..

Guy: Just thought we could share that together until things got serious.

At this point I’m looking at my phone and thinking….

WTF? Before things got serious? Don’t you mean after? You are making this suggestion and you haven’t even asked me out on a date?!?! 

Guy: Of course it’d have to be here. Haha

       Why don’t you come over Sunday night??

       I kinda think we should have sex since its been long for both of us….

You want me to get into my car and deliver it too? Kiss my ass jerk off…..I am not going to bother answering you…fuck you shit head….

Sunday

Guy:    Hi (9am)

           Hey (noon)

           Hey (4pm)

Monday

Guy:   Hey (7:30 am)

Tuesday (today)

Guy:   Hi (2pm)

          Hey (7pm)

I guess he can’t take a hint

Disappointed

You haven’t asked me to go on a date but you ask me to come over to sleep with you…WTF…….DELETE!!!!

Bullshit

Isn’t this some bullshit. A guy I went on a few dates with a couple a years ago finds me on Facebook and asks me to call or text him. I text him and he lets me know that he just got out of a relationship and manages to bring up the idea of being “Friends with Benefits.” I made it clear to him that a “Friends with Benefits” situation is not what I want and my toy is doing a great job. He proceeded to challenge me and basically implied that he would be able to change my mind.

Shit…I’ve done the friends with benefits gig and it’s not for me. I usually end up getting hurt in these situations. I give props to those who can pull this off unscathed because it can be a convenient situation. But it is not for me. I’m done with dead end relationships and I want something stable. I want to be with someone who loves me and wants all of me. Not just for the sex or to be a rebound.

Last night I was on the phone with my best friend….

We were talking about the dating scene and I expressed to her that it’s already tough for me as a single mother and now I have a stupid disease that’s going to make dating tougher.

Of course she said that all my situation will do is weed out all the bad guys.

She has a good point but I still have a very unsettling feeling that I will not find a nice guy, who I mesh well with personilty wise, attracted to physically, and who would accept me, my son and Lupus.

It sounds like a huge order to fill…..

I feel like I almost have to settle for whatever comes my way or just remain alone. Which I know is a very WRONG way to think and I’m working on it. I have to try to reset my mind to a more positive set.

Well this week one of my friends from highschool (lets call him Mark) have been “poking” me on Facebook and we then messaged each other….the conversation went this way…..

Mark:

What up Mags?!

Me:

Good…taking it a day at a time. It’s been rough the past 3-4 months but things are looking up…How about you? What’s new? What have you been up to?

Mark:

Why have things been so rough? Same old for me. Work. Climbing. Snowshoeing. Studying. Woman problems. Nothing much new, I guess.

Me:

Back in October I was diagnosed with Lupus after a nasty flare up…I couldn’t walk more than a couple of feet for 3 weeks….I’m currently on some medication but the side effects suck…I also lost my job in the process and the guy I was seeing is no longer around. ROUGH…I’m just trying to stay positive but I still have my moments of depression. Around my son and other people, I try to keep it positive but when I’m alone that’s when the depression creeps in. On a positive note, I start a new job in February, I’m back at the gym and I start school in March….Nothing new on your end, huh…woman problems? You are a good guy, I don’t understand why you have woman problems….what are the problems you are having with the woman or women (hehe) ????

Mark:

Damn. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time. Sorry it had to hit you all at once too. Please know that you still have lots of people who like and care about you. I’m glad you’ve been able to keep driving on, and that you get to start a new job soon. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can call or write me. I suddenly have a lot more free time on my hands. :o) Nothing too serious on my end. Again, just the usual: incompatible personalities leading to the end of another relationship. One of those things where we knew we weren’t right for each other, but we also knew we’d miss each other in the end. Now it’s the end, and it turns out we were right. Blah, blah, whine, whine. It is depressingly quiet and lonely right now though, especially with this snow storm keeping people relatively cooped up. I’m getting cabin fever. Worried I might go all Shining. Anyhow, that’s the story. Chin up, killer, and gimme a buzz any time.

After reading that response, it got the wheels turning. Killer? Likes me? That’s it! Maybe that’s my problem when it comes to the whole dating, relationship thing. Guys like me only as a friend. Not viewed as a potential wifey or steady girlfriend. Hmmmmm, maybe I should pretend to NOT to like MMA, boxing, and baseball. Maybe I shouldn’t sit down with you, with beer in hand and discuss how much I love JSP and how Anderson Silva is an AMAZING fighter. Maybe I should pretend to be afraid of fast cars and motorcycles and freak out when I break a nail. Don’t get me wrong, I like manicures and clothes like the next girl, I’m very feminine but I do have a huge tomboy streak. Maybe I need to down play the streak. Uggghhhh…why can’t I just be myself and find a nice guy who accepts me just the way I am. Now with Lupus in the picture, I’m afraid dating is going to be tougher and the streak will be the least of my dating problems.

Bashing

What the fuck…..last night I had to listen to male bashing from my “know it all” brother….so annoying…he basically thinks that the guy I’m dating is probably seeing someone on the side (could be the case but I’m not worried so don’t say shit to make me worry!!!!!)…whatever, at this point I’m more concerned about getting my life stabalized ( my son, health, income, going back to school are on the top of the list) than worrying about a guy I’m just simplying dating…grrr

"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone… but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

- Khalil Gibran (via hvadnuhvis)

(Source: )

The Apple in the Garden of Eden.

The fruit looks deeply inviting, and you are not supposed to eat of it; it is forbidden. But that is precisely why you think of it day and night. You see it but cannot have it. And the only way to get rid of this temptation is to yield and taste the fruit.

-The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

The Shadow

It cannot be grasped. Chase your shadow and it will flee; turn your back on it and it will follow you. It is also a person’s dark side, the thing that makes them mysterious. After they have given us pleasure, the shadow of their withdrawal makes us yearn for their return, much as clouds make us yearn for the sun.

-Art of Seduction by Robert Greene