So my left wrist is hurting…hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow because I am kick boxing…..Lupus have some stupid timing…..last week my right wrist was hurting….overall I’m a whole lot better but I still get these random ass pains…..
Well….so finally! Most of the weight I gained on the Prednisone fell off. I ballooned up to 137 pounds and I am currently at 119 pounds. My normal weight is between 110-115 pounds….yeah!!!
2 weeks ago, I got sick and I think it was a combination of stress and the introduction of my new medication (Plaquenil)…..currently it seems like my body has stabilized itself and finally got adjusted to the medication.
I’m so depressed……I miss the days before Lupus….I’m sick of being sick…..this is not the life I want to live…..I miss being able to eat normally and not force feed myself because I have nooooo desire to eat…I miss waking up in the morning with no pain….I miss not wearing make up because now I got to wear a pound of it everyday to cover the butterfly rash….I miss my perfect complection…..I miss being athletic…..I miss my energy…….those of you who have your health, please don’t take it for granted……
I’m nauseous…….have a serious ache in my neck and a headache….been like this for the past couple of days…can it please go away!!!!!
Just got off the phone with my mom and she said my aunt just called her wondering about my FB status that stated that I’m off the Prednisone….I didn’t broadcast me having Lupus on FB and apparently my mom didn’t tell my aunt….she has no clue and my mom decided to keep it that way and told her that I used it for…Dermatitis? WTF….my mom is treating me like I’m a Leper or something….
I asked my mom ……
“Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”
“Because I didn’t want it getting back to your grandmother, I don’t want her to worry.”
“She can’t keep a secret?”
“Yes…I just don’t want her to know…”
I had to get off the phone ASAP…she was pissing me off….it seems as though my mom is ashamed of me having this disease…she has lied to everyone…like her friends, neighbors, and family….people who have seen me sick (the hair loss, weight fluctuation, and so on) and was wondering what was going on….she has said everything from a stomach virus to a new haircut…WTF!
After my day of dragging at work, I managed to push myself to go workout….I’m sooooooo glad I did. Even though my energy wasn’t 100% today, I managed to gather enough of it to get through all the kickboxing drills. I feel good about being able to keep up and sometimes out do some of the other people in class who don’t have to deal with the inconvenience of Lupus. Lupus can kiss my ass and suck on my right tit….and I won’t let it get in the way of my fitness goals….
Well, I didn’t pass certification for the job I thought I was going to get. So I’m back to square one….Frustrated, angry, sad, and in physical pain. I’m depressed and suicidal thoughts are running through my head. If there is a God, he hates me. If he exists, the cards he has dealt me are a cruel and sick joke. Driving home, the only thing I could do is scream to the heavens….FUCK YOU! The only thing keeping me from harming myself is my son. At this point he is the only one worth living and fighting for. I wish he had a better mother. A mother who has a career and perfect health. He desearves that stability. The tears are falling like crazy….they don’t want to stop. I guess I need to start calming down and making some phone calls. The job hunt continues….
We were talking about the dating scene and I expressed to her that it’s already tough for me as a single mother and now I have a stupid disease that’s going to make dating tougher.
Of course she said that all my situation will do is weed out all the bad guys.
She has a good point but I still have a very unsettling feeling that I will not find a nice guy, who I mesh well with personilty wise, attracted to physically, and who would accept me, my son and Lupus.
It sounds like a huge order to fill…..
I feel like I almost have to settle for whatever comes my way or just remain alone. Which I know is a very WRONG way to think and I’m working on it. I have to try to reset my mind to a more positive set.
I am sitting here under some blankets watching my son trash my apartment. That’s the only thing that sucks about being a single mom with Lupus…my 2 year old can’t exactly help me clean and he wants to play and make a mess. He doesn’t understand the Lupus crap (shit, he’s only 2). So I’m here looking at his mess and wondering when I’m going to get up and clean up cause I am permanently glued to this sofa. I am exhausted and my legs and feet are tingling…..
last night I was working on some work related stuff online and my mom started giving me shit about it (lady if you don’t want me to depend on you for income, let me get this training done so I can get certified to work and quit bitching about me sitting quietly on your sofa). So because of the emotional stress my Lupus started acting up and today I’m just extra tired and in pain. My sanity and health is more important than saving a month’s worth of Internet service. Comcast, here I come!